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Title: Strange New World (That has such people in't)
Rating: PG
Characters: Sheppard pov, ensemble (implied Jim/John, Jim/everyone...)
Disclaimer: Not mine (except the mistakes, and the crack), no harm meant.
Summary: An altogether different set of newcomers to Atlantis.
A/N: I make no apologies for this (Never give up! Never surrender!)
Warnings: Crack. Technobabble (I finally worked out what to do with Scotty :). But mostly crack.

Strange New World (That has such people in't)

Sometimes, John just wants to strangle Jim Kirk.


After the debacle (the fiery torment and doom) that is the McKay-Keller divorce, they get a new CMO. Dr McCoy drinks like a fish, curses like a Marine and has the worst bedside manner in two galaxies.

He's also altogether too fond of strong anaesthetic. However hard John tries, he never makes it out of the infirmary without McCoy's permission.


Captain Kirk is Navy ("You're in the middle of the ocean, Sheppard. Of course they sent you a Navy man," said Pike with altogether too smug an expression), an ex-submariner. He has the gene, so of course he delights in flying the jumpers underwater, which enamours him to the marine biologists and has Zelenka muttering dark things about salt water corrosion.

He's young, and handsome, with bright blue eyes and an improbable smile, and he cuts a swathe through Atlantis like syphilis.

So does syphilis, which causes Dr McCoy an inordinate amount of amusement.

John really can't stand Jim Kirk, standing there, not even slightly embarrassed, let alone contrite. Standing, slouching, leaning far too close with his bright blue eyes...

John still doesn't see these things coming. He mentally schedules himself for an embarrassing checkup with Dr McCoy.


Lieutenant Uhura is a student of Dr Jackson and a protégée of Sam Carter. The anthropologists think she's spying on them for Jackson. The linguists think she's spying on them for the anthropologists. Rodney thinks she's spying on him for Carter, but after an unfortunate incident involving the ambassador from the Gorn Hegemony, a mistranslated request for ZPMs and a lemon, he no longer makes this claim in public.

John doesn't think she's spying on anyone, so he assigns her to Jim Kirk's team. Her unofficial debriefings are fascinating.


John doesn't give the new botanist any thought, because he's a little weirded out by the botanists, even now. When the team escorting Dr Sulu to Rigel disappears, John curses, and takes a squad to rescue them. They've barely secured a perimeter around the stargate when Johnson calls out.

The team approach, a little the worse for wear. Dr Sulu is supporting Lorne on one side, and holds a deadly, bloody blade in his other hand.

John ignores the doe-eyed look Lorne's giving Sulu. He already knows how Evan gets around botanists. Botanists with slightly illegal katana blades and the skills to use them - John's not going to argue, but he makes a mental note to reassign Dr Sulu to a different team.


The Russians, pissed that the IOA reckoned they already had enough input into the Stargate program when the Atlantis expedition started, have, now they're given the opportunity to send people to the city, retaliated by sending children.

That's a little unfair. The soldiers may be young (the oldest of their military team is 26), but they have the reassuring solidity of Soviet-era tanks. Or Russian mafia thugs. They make his Marines look like ballet dancers.

But the scientist -

He's watching the kid in the mess as he talks Simpson through his theories on cross-dimensional-something-or-other. John's just decided that the motherly expression on Dr Simpson's face is a little disturbing when Rodney crashes down in the chair opposite him, scowling.

"You touch one hair on that kid's head, and I swear -" Rodney groans. "I think this place has turned my head to mush. I don't care. Ravage him if you want."

"How old is he?"

"You don't want to know." Rodney slumps forward onto the table. "I thought he reminded me of - me, but, seriously, I was never that young."

"You're not planning on, y'know, moulding him in your image, are you?" John asks, suspicious, and Rodney gives him an affronted look.

"What kind of a puppy-kicker do you take me for?" He sighs. "See? Mush. I should be terrorising him. It's character forming. But nooo, he's got to throw up those big eyes and that terrible, terrible pronunciation, and I just want to pat him on the head. I can't even get Radek to terrorise him, and you know how he feels about Russians."

"Really?" John's heard some of the things Radek's said about Russians. It was - educational.

"He just points out that Chekov wasn't even born when the Cold War ended. And then he looks at me like I've suggested we recharge the ZPM using kitten entrails."


"Oh, come on, that isn't even physically possible." Rodney's glaring at the two engineers opposite.

"Aye, but see, if we pull out all the wee naquadria dampeners-" Scott gestures emphatically with the remnants of a not-quite-chicken mayonnaise sandwich.

"All the 'wee dampeners'? You mean the ones that stop it from blowing up the bottom half of the city?"

"Yes, yes, and reconfigure secondary array to induce positive feedback loop -"

"Don't encourage him, Radek. The man clearly has an even poorer grasp of wormhole technology than you do."

"Ah, no, I think he might have something here. See, problem of original wormhole drive is, Ancients developed drive from Stargate, which has small wormhole, constrained by three-dimensional naquadah super-conductor. Wormhole drive creates much larger wormhole, must be unconstrained -"

"That's insane, the forces acting on - hm..." Rodney abandons his lunch in favour of scribbling on a napkin. "Huh."

John picks up his tray and quietly backs away from the table. He's seriously considering agreeing to Carter's request to have Montgomery Scott transferred to the Hammond.


"Captain, what did we say about not bringing people directly into the city?"

Kirk grins, and practically bounces over to John. He drags the man - the alien, because there's no way those ears and that green-tinged skin are human - over to John. The alien raises an eyebrow at being manhandled in this fashion, but seems otherwise unperturbed.

"This is Spock," says Kirk, with lip-smacking relish. "He's a Vulcan. This is my boss, Colonel Sheppard," he says to the alien, almost as an afterthought.

Spock inclines his head towards John. "Colonel. I apologise if my unheralded arrival is an imposition. Captain Kirk assured me -"

"Pft! Forget all that. Tell him what you told Uhura."

The alien raises one eyebrow, barely perceptibly, but doesn't demur. "My people, the Vulcans, have another name in an older tongue, not much utilised except in ceremony. We were once known as the Furlan-"

"Furlings!" exclaims Kirk, unable to contain himself any longer.


Of course, that means Jackson has to come to Atlantis, and that means Cam Mitchell, if not SG-1 - and General O'Neill, who has no excuse - not to mention every anthropologist in the SGC who hasn't pissed Jackson off enough to be banned from leaving Nevada (who, admittedly, are in the minority, but such as there are all seem to be involved in ideological feuds with the anthropologists already in the city, even with Uhura keeping them in line) -

Yeah, sometimes John just wants to strangle Jim Kirk.


I know, technically a Navy Captain == USAF Colonel, but I'm imagining that they had to promote Kirk, and then got embarrassed and had him sent as far away as possible. Also, that eliminates the fraternisation problem, right?* Also, I'm crossing Star Trek with Stargate. I honestly am not that worried about it not making any sense.
*I mean, with Sheppard. Not everyone else...


In other news - go Steven Moffat! I'm convinced :)
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